Every morning my husband brings me a cup of tea in bed. I write up my dream journal while he makes the morning tea. We often have our best conversations at that time of day. Perhaps because we are perched between Dreaming and To Do Lists. Or possibly because we are rested and not (yet) multi-tasking and racing the clock?
This morning we dropped into a conversation about anger. Neither of us was angry, I hasten to say, but recently one of our three sons had been at the receiving end of another person’s anger at work. Immediately after that incident he had gone to talk to his Dad and asked: what do I do when someone else unleashes all their pent-up anger at me? Especially when I feel the anger is completely out of proportion but the person is either a client or more senior than I am? So I have no other option than appearing calm, enduring it and not losing my own temper?
That is a good question, a BIG question, and almost a rite of passage for everyone who has ever held down a job. As a mother I have mixed feelings about this: of course I don’t want my son to be used as a punching bag - but I do want my three sons to be resilient and resourceful. I want them to have a strong sense of self, which is not dependent on how the people are around them are behaving on any given day.
I am not a great believer in the modern concept of “safe spaces”: life is risky, even dangerous at times. I observe how my son has matured into a remarkable young man, as a direct result of being a team leader at work. Somehow he has transmuted the professional injustices he has lived through while working in the City of London (more than his fair share, in my opinion), into a deep empathy for fellow human beings. It also created a deep-seated desire to be a fair and mature team leader or senior himself. He actively works on, what he calls, on becoming “the best version of himself”.
So this morning, over our cup of tea, Husband I talked about how encountering conflict and anger is part of growing up and leaving the shelter and protection of a secure childhood (and I am well aware that many young people never have a secure childhood. I myself certainly did not have a safe or secure childhood. But that is a subject for another day!)
Displaced anger is wired into working life. Receptionists get shouted at when some appointment is missed or messed up. Taxi drivers see more than their fair share of road rage and stressed passengers, urgently needing to go somewhere in a crisis. Even if you do translation work, or website design work say, from home, you may still trigger the anger of the person (team, or department) who commissioned the work. You didn’t do it fast enough, well enough, or in the exact way your client had in mind, and so forth.
My husband then asked a very interesting question: how much anger, which some people express and the people around them inevitably absorb, is rightful anger expressed in the right way and measure?
We found ourselves guessing wildly and between us we arrived at maybe 13% of the time? (Please note, this figure is not backed up by any research or science!) We then concluded that, unless we are completely off the mark, there is a shocking amount of anger (as in disproportionate and misplaced and therefore undeserved by the recipient) floating around the collective space. That makes our social environment far more toxic than it needs to be!!
The flipside is, inevitably, unexpressed anger. This also causes issues. I know from years of one-to-one (shamanic) healing sessions that bottled up anger can, eventually, express itself as a disease (feeling dis ease, ill at ease!) or long-term depression. It makes people vulnerable and disempowered. It also creates an energy signature of: “You can yell at me, or dump on me, and I will not yell back”. Not good!! I know this because I myself grew up in a family where no one was allowed to express anger, other than my out-of-control Dad (who had multiple untreated mental health issues). Learning how to feel, identify and manage my own anger has turned out to be life-long journey for me (I am 56 at the time of writing).
What are we to do, collectively? Imagine if we could filter this massive cloud of radioactive toxicity from our culture! I often dream of a world where both shadow work and anger management are taught in schools. (Oh and a general spiritual toolkit for children, of course! I made this case in my first book Natural Born Shamans). Where aspiring parents set themselves some standards of personal growth and self control, before having children. Learning how to recognise anger and express any concerns appropriately and proportionately, without destroying the other person (small or big) is a very helpful skill in parenting.
If this concept, of mastering anger management, truly penetrated western society there might be less power games as well. I generally observe that many people resort to manipulation to get their way, because they have never learned to raise concerns (or state their needs) in positive and appropriate ways. That is sad for many obvious reasons. It is also a tragic diversion of both energy and intelligence (which could have been harnessed in far more productive ways).
And yes, there will always be the heat of the moment, the off day or, in a work environment, the looming deadline… We are all human and anger is an elemental and deeply human emotion. But then there is always a corrective mechanism called: the apology.
The son who gave me this blog idea is currently on a business trip in New York City. I spoke to him briefly last night and he said that life there is very hectic but also very fun, very high-octane. Would he cope with the aggressive (but energising) environment of a New York office if he had not learned to handle anger in other people? I doubt it!
For now I aim to post two essays a week here on Substack. This may well drop to one post a week in the near future due to travel and international teaching commitments. If you would like to see my daily posts about about sacred art, Nordic spirituality and my life as a Forest Witch, please follow me on Instagram or Facebook, thank you!
Imelda Almqvist, London UK
BIO FOR IMELDA ALMQVIST
Imelda Almqvist is an international teacher of Sacred Art and Seiðr/Old Norse Traditions (the ancestral wisdom teachings of Northern Europe). So far she has written four non-fiction books and two picture books for children. Natural Born Shamans: A Spiritual Toolkit for Life (Using shamanism creatively with young people of all ages) in 2016, Sacred Art: A Hollow Bone for Spirit (Where Art Meets Shamanism) in 2019, Medicine of the Imagination - Dwelling in Possibility (an impassioned plea for fearless imagination) in 2020 and North Sea Water In My Veins (The Pre-Christian spirituality of the Low Countries) was published in June 2022.
The Green Bear is a series of picture book for children, aged 3 – 8 years. The stories and vibrant artwork, set in Scandinavia, invite children to explore enchanting parallel worlds and to keep their sense of magic alive as they grow up.
Imelda has presented her work on both The Shift Network and Sounds True. She appears in a TV program, titled Ice Age Shaman, made for the Smithsonian Museum, in the series Mystic Britain, talking about Mesolithic arctic deer shamanism.
Imelda is currently working on a handbook for rune magicians (about the runes of the Elder Futhark) and on more books in the Green Bear Series. Imelda runs an on-line school called Pregnant Hag Teachings, where all classes she teaches remain available as recordings, which can be watched any time!
Website:
http://www.shaman-healer-painter.co.uk/
YouTube Channel: youtube.com/user/imeldaalmqvist
Online School: https://pregnant-hag-teachings.teachable.com/courses/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/imelda.almqvist/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/almqvistimelda/
Twitter: @ImeldaAlmqvist
Imelda Almqvist
This post resonated on several levels. The anger and bursts of rage expressed by my volatile father who I also feel had an undiagnosed condition; the anger turned inward that has caused ill health in myself; the anger I've received from others at work and elsewhere. It's an emotion I still have to navigate, how to express anger in a healthy way, how to set boundaries and protect myself from other people's anger. As an HSP I find anger outbursts very exhausting.
I've witnessed or been on the recieving end of so much bad behaviour in the workplace over the years. From senior civil servants to academics (who can behave very badly).
At work we're just about to publish research that shows how humble leadership is far more effective in the long term, than bullish leadership.
Naturally!
All wise and loving information is more than needed! If we had good minded mature teachers we could make a lifelong importance!