SPIRITUAL NARCISSISM

And other forms of spiritual bypassing

The first time I saw the words spiritual and narcissism appear together in one sentence, it really jarred me. My (oh so) naive younger self assumed the field of spirituality was peopled by self-aware, altruistic and well-meaning people!

As I became a shamanic practitioner, shamanic teacher and eventually a teacher of sacred art and material from the Old Norse Traditions, I soon started to see a different picture.

Here is the short version of this essay: profoundly unhealed people dream of being healers. Some people with narcissistic traits are attracted to the field of spirituality like moths to a flame. And many spirit workers are not taught (or choose not to engage in) shadow work. Oh, and many teachers will accept students on spiritual or shamanic courses who do not meet the prerequisites and will quite obviously not become safe practitioners. This is usually a matter of money (collecting tuition fees) but generally presented as “those people are here to work on themselves, not on others”. (I even accept that, on some level, but does anyone ever check what they end up doing with the powerful tools they acquire?)

The long version appears below! Please note that all examples given are based on things I have personally witnessed, things that have disturbed my equilibrium and cost me sleep. And please note that I am not claiming that this list is exhaustive (at all)!

“It is their choice!”

Thankfully free will and free speech are foundational principles in Western democracies, but this comment does not refer to free will in the everyday sense. People find themselves in a truly awful situation and “the spiritual person” says: well, their soul must have chosen this!” Really? So all inhabitants of the Ukraine collectively chose to be invaded by Russia and all the children dying in the Israel-Palestine conflict chose to have short brutal lives?

This comment allows people to stay in their own comfort zone where they can continue to believe that they are perfectly safe in a very unsafe world.

“It is karma!”

If you were born with a serious disability (say), in some people’s cosmology this means you are repaying a debt from a previous lifetime. So again, no need to feel too much sympathy then!

And assuming (for a moment) that we do take on karmic challenges in response to a life lesson we failed to pass, in a previous incarnation on Earth, we are no longer that exact person. Nor do we even remember who we once were (the ancient Greeks believed that all human beings drank from Lethe, the River of Forgetfulness, before they incarnated on Earth).

Then, following my example, there are people who are born without any impairments but develop disabilities later in life (due to a car accident, a war, old age, life-saving surgery, a genetic fault activating later in life etc.) It is extremely arrogant to assume that you will be able-bodied and of of sound mind until the day you die. You too might be in wheelchair one day, or require Alzheimer’s care. It is a frightening prospect, I know. But being in denial about it does not remove the risk or statistical chance!

“No attachment to outcomes!”

This sounds quite cool but think it through: your child is in intensive care and you are equally OK with your child surviving or your child dying?

I am well aware that a serious illness (and the soul-destroying medical treatments prescribed) can (gradually) lead parents to the point of acceptance. No one wants their child to suffer and have zero life quality, just to make it through another day of being tormented. (Speaking as someone in whose extended family a little boy recently died of cancer treatments, not the actual cancer, see When A Child Dies). But that is a gruelling journey no one undertakes willingly or by choice.

This principle, of breaking free from attachment, may have been borrowed from Buddhism. Within a certain spectrum of human experience it is useful: don’t get too attached to getting the job you interview for, or your child getting into the top university of choice. When those things fail (and often they do) generally a surprisingly good alternative manifests. You or your child do very well by following another path, which brings unexpected blessings and still leads you to your destination.

And equally, don’t get too obsessed or agitated about minor setbacks: sitting in traffic need not ruin your life (listen to a good podcast or foreign language lesson!) My brother used to make bonus phone calls to our elderly mother when he was stuck in traffic between Amsterdam and his home town. She absolutely loved it and he learned not to mind, because of her delight.

I freely admit that I used to obsess about things that did not matter (for instance a perfectly clean house when someone visits) and I now wish I could have those hours back.

Having said all that: some things matter and they matter immensely!

“Dropping Into Trust”

This was a bit of a buzz phrase in the early years of my own shamanic training. Again there is some truth in it, because once I dedicated my life to Spirit, many things “fell into place” and many opportunities arrived without me even looking for them.

I grew up in a seaside town in the Netherlands. We lived on a modern housing estate of newbuilt houses, with most other houses also occupied by families with young children. One day the father of one such young family caused a scandal, by announcing that he was going to renounce all material possessions and live on an ashram in India.

My mother (rightfully!) asked: but who will raise your children and pay the bills? His reply was that God (or his version of a Higher Power) provides and would look after all details, reward him for his devotion. So my mother said: “Yeah right! So this really means your wife will end up doing the work of two parents, supported by benefits (funded by tax-payers) and the Dutch social services!”

My point is that “dropping into trust” will work if you are fortune enough to live in a Western European welfare state, where the authorities provide a safety net, funded by the larger collective.

However, in countries where such “existential luxuries” do not exist (or the provision is minimal) “dropping into trust” soon manifests a completely different set of outcomes.

To some extent one could say that the civilians fleeing the Ukraine dropped into trust and other countries took them in. They provided housing, food and education for their children, for families living through a most harrowing crisis. (This was largely done by generous individuals, on the biblical principle of “do to others as you would have them do to you”). The people of Gaza are less fortunate. They can’t leave their “open air prison” and no neighbouring country wants them (for various political and historical reasons). Is “dropping into trust” going to resolve their plight or the armed conflict that has raged for many decades?

For some reason I don’t think so.

“Drama”

This is another popular one: some life event that another person experiences as traumatic, or even excruciating, is swept off the table as “some drama I am not going to get myself involved in!” And I am not saying we can get involved in every situation that plays out in the life of anyone we know. As a jobbing shamanic practitioner I learned this the hard way, I was inundated with other people’s emergencies 24/7 (I became a one-woman spiritual A&E!), so I was forced reset my boundaries.

I sometimes wonder whether this is a reversal of the co-dependent “drama card” of my childhood, where any drama (accident, illness, injury, break-up etc.) was a valuable currency. It forced other people to focus on you at the expense of their own lives. So just to say: there is a middle road! Lend a hand, do what you can and trust that other people will also chip in. But please do not disrespect other people’s struggles (not if you occasionally need loving and uncritical support yourself, anyway!)

Unconditional love

A friend of mine once said: “Unconditional love is for God!” I said: “And for mothers?” She said that human mothers have their limits. Those limits may exceed by far what other people can stretch to, but for their own safety and wellbeing there is still a limit, somewhere…

I often think back to that conversation. I once told our middle son (then aged 15): “If you commit murder, I will be the one who visits you in prison!” Son: “WHAT, you think I am going to be a MURDERER?!” No indeed… silly me… My sentiment misfired completely.

Therefore unconditional love belongs in the spiritual/astral/ethereal realm Outside Time, where, in the larger cosmic sense, it is a thing. A Divine vibration, a possibility of redemption for those ordinary humans cannot love or forgive.

And of course there are ladies who view serial killers as celebrities and marry them in jail. Practicing “unconditional love” can be an invitation for abuse. There are also many ordinary people who interpret co-dependent dynamics, manipulation or neediness as “love”.

In my opinion we ordinary mortal souls are better of asking ourselves “what is the most loving thing to do?” in challenging situations (and you’d be surprised by the answers!) Best to leave unconditional love to the Divine Mother instead. See my blog titled FORGIVENESS VS. RESTITUTION.

“I am not afraid of death!”

Death is a HUGE step into the Unknown. It is also a force to be respected. The Grim Reaper (a cloaked skeletal figure wielding a scythe) appears in many medieval paintings for a reason!

And we thought we were safe from the bubonic plague and cholera until we were not! I have (personally) lived through the HIV/AIDS epidemic (it remains a big issue, especially in developing countries) and of course the Covid-19 Pandemic.

When Covid hit, did we all say: “Death is no big deal!” No! We locked ourselves in our houses and criticized people who walked their dog more than once a day. We also criticized people who (irresponsibly!) refused immunisations, and people who (gullably!) showed up for the vaccinations.

Death is inevitable but not something we go courting. We do well to make death our ally, but we don’t need to make it our lover.

Don’t mess with karma!!

I remember one day where an airplane crashed and hundreds of people died. It was very much on my mind. I was trying to image the final hour, minutes, seconds of the passengers and what they lived through. I was trying to imagine the grief of their families too: a father, daughter, husband or grandchild who never returns. I saw harrowing pictures of a child’s backpack having landed intact, surrounded by fuselage and carnage. I have since actively worked on flight crashes where relatives involved me in dealing with the aftermath.

I tried to tell “a spiritual person” about my concerns (and nightmares) and she shrugged it off: “It was meant to be! Those people were clearly meant to die today! It was their fate!”

To which I say: Where is your empathy, your compassion for fellow human beings?? And never make assumptions about the (so called) “karma of others”. Doing so might just impact your own karma, who knows?

Last but not least:

Love and Light

Some people believe that “Love and Light” is all we need. Once again this is an immensely simplistic and very reassuring belief. It can be practiced from your armchair. Does not require a spiritual work-out or great personal sacrifices. Just blow some stardust in all directions.

Oh and by the way, whose definition of “love” are we using here?!

Based on 15 years of intense shamanic practice I do not believe this at all. I believe that some of the greatest traumas and upheavals in our world are caused by a complete lack of shadow work, ancestral (healing) work and responsible eldering (as opposed to greed and exploitation).

Many conflicts arise from Othering, from projecting onto others what we can not bear to own within ourselves. Dividing the world into us and them, good people (me and my loved ones, or me and my ethnic group, me and the people I am affiliated with on a religious or spiritual level, me and my fellow activists etc.) and the others, the group with different opinions or beliefs. I have said it a million times (in articles and interviews) and I will say it again: if only shadow work was taught in families and schools!! Own your darkness, fears and unresolved issues - do not project them onto others and do not involve other people in re-enacting your core psychodramas. I teach all my students shadow work (and no, this does not always make me a popular teacher!)

Our ancestors honoured the ancestors. So do all tribal peoples. Might there be a good reason for this? Might it bring blessings and gifts, harmony and a good relationship between generations?

History will repeat itself until we embrace our Ancestors as Allies and Teachers. Disturbances and pain/trauma pooling up in the ancestral field will run (or even ruin) our lives until we heal those things.

I will leave it here today but many other examples come to mind!

I aim to post two essays a week here on Substack, but if you would like to see my daily posts about about sacred art, Nordic spirituality and my life as a Forest Witch, please follow me on Instagram or Facebook!

Let me finish by explaining where the term “spiritual bypass” originates>

Spiritual bypass was coined by the late transpersonal psychotherapist John Welwood in 1984 to describe what he saw in a Buddhist community in which he was involved. He describes it as the “tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks.”

Defining spiritual bypassing means using the spiritual (transpersonal) to bypass the personal. E.g. espousing ideals of unconditional love but not permitting love to show up in its more challenging personal dimension. The use of spiritual practices and beliefs to avoid dealing with painful feelings, unresolved wounds and developmental needs.

Imelda Almqvist, Forest House and School, Sweden

BIO FOR IMELDA ALMQVIST

Imelda Almqvist is an international teacher of Sacred Art and Seiðr/Old Norse Traditions (the ancestral wisdom teachings of Northern Europe). So far she has written four non-fiction books and two picture books for children. Natural Born Shamans: A Spiritual Toolkit for Life (Using shamanism creatively with young people of all ages) in 2016, Sacred Art: A Hollow Bone for Spirit (Where Art Meets Shamanism) in 2019, Medicine of the Imagination - Dwelling in Possibility (an impassioned plea for fearless imagination) in 2020 and North Sea Water In My Veins (The Pre-Christian spirituality of the Low Countries) will be published in June 2022.

The Green Bear is a series of picture book for children, aged 3 – 8 years. The stories and vibrant artwork, set in Scandinavia, invite children to explore enchanting parallel worlds and to keep their sense of magic alive as they grow up.

Imelda has presented her work on both The Shift Network and Sounds True. She appears in a TV program, titled Ice Age Shaman, made for the Smithsonian Museum, in the series Mystic Britain, talking about Mesolithic arctic deer shamanism.

Imelda is currently working on a handbook for rune magicians (about the runes of the Elder Futhark) and on more books in the Green Bear Series. Imelda runs an on-line school called Pregnant Hag Teachings, where all classes she teaches remain available as recordings which can be watched any time!

Website:                           http://www.shaman-healer-painter.co.uk/

YouTube Channel:             youtube.com/user/imeldaalmqvist

Online School:                  https://pregnant-hag-teachings.teachable.com/courses/

Facebook:                            https://www.facebook.com/imelda.almqvist/

Instagram:                          https://www.instagram.com/almqvistimelda/

Twitter: @ImeldaAlmqvist